They say an old fiddle may play a good tune,

An old boiler may sweeten your plate.
But you see how time’s passed when you look in the glass
And you’re way past your best-before date.
I was bumpy and clumpy, to be frank I was frumpy,
So I asked the nice docs what to do.
They said, you’ll be grand, put yourself in our hands
And we’ll make a new woman of you.

We’ll make a new woman of you,

You’ll hardly believe it by the time we are through.
With bosom uplifted and belly flab shifted,
We’ll make a new woman of you.

They gave me a form that was eight pages long,

I filled it and signed myself in.
They did all the ops on the bottoms and tops,
The brow-lift, the cheeks and the chin.
Trimmed the old bingo wings and did all sorts of things
In all the right places you see,
They plumped up and extracted, added on and subtracted
And they made a new woman of me.

Oh, they made a new woman of me,

I can pass in a dim light for about forty three,
With long hair extensions and reformed dimensions,
They made a new woman of me.

When the dressings came off ‘twas a sight to behold,

Some parts smaller and some parts were bigger.
No more lines or crows’ feet and to make it complete,
They gave me an hourglass figure.
I was chiselled and honed and remarkably toned,
But my pride was soon shattered in three
For my grandchild of two said, “Where’s Nan? Who’re you?”
When they made a new woman of me.

Oh they made a new woman of me,

I’m expecting a call about a pic on page three,
With nips and with snips and with collagen lips,
They made a new woman of me.

Now I have to work hard for to keep my new shape,

Sure I’m living on cress and cucumbers,
Exercising away for hours every day,
But my birth cert still shows the same numbers.
Oh the creases and lines, they are long acquired signs,
They map out our lives, clear and true,
I suggest you think twice when they offer advice
To make a new woman of you.

Oh, they made a new woman of me,

So don’t you believe everything that you see,
Though they smooth out the skin, the old boiler’s within,
And time will still win, finally.